My heart aches today. For the lives lost and the families of those lives lost. I can’t imagine what they are going through, but I feel as though this is something that I need to come to terms with.  I feel like I need to prepare myself for such an event because I too am African American. 

After my co worker saw the second video of Alton Sterling he asked,  “what do you want to come from this?” I struggled for a moment, because it’s become a figment of my imagination. I’ll never be seen as an equal, I’ll never be seen as an educated woman….or even a human being to say the least. I’ve literally put it in my head that I should just be okay with being alive, existing. That I have been so selfish for demanding to be seen for who I am, because so many lives have been cut short. That I’ve been ungrateful and things “could be worse.”I could be six feet under, but here I am still seeing the sunrise and set. Still having the ability to speak, see and hug my loved ones. At that moment I had to take a step back, close the video and put my phone down. This isn’t normal. This is the “worse.” People are being killed on video,  black lives being DESTROYED on video and no one sees a systemic problem. I’m speaking as though this is something that’s supposed to happen. Like it’s an everyday thing. I’ve literally set my clock 300 years back. “Massa has spared my life, I have somewhere to sleep, food to eat, how dare I want more?” It’s a sick feeling, to feel so uncomfortable in your own skin. To feel as though a country wasn’t built for you. I also never cared for what individuals saw when they looked at me, but now I’m curious. Have you ever googled “unprofessional hairstyles?” All you see are images of African American women and their natural hair. How do you tell someone that their natural hair is unprofessional? Something that grows from their scalp. Mind blowing. 

My head space is all over the place, I can’t help but to read the foul comments that are being left about the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castilo. The same individuals who have constantly defended their right to bear arms, now justify the execution of a man who happened to be carrying a gun. Sad thing is we all know how this will go. Administrative leave, guy was a thug story, trial, officers not guilty and we are on to the next incident. When will this stop? When is enough enough? Where is the value in black lives? 

“I love America,

but I’m not sure it loves me back. 

I love it’s red, white and blue,

but I’m not sure it loves my black.” 

-Jason Fatso