This will probably be my most transparent and vulnerable post yet, but I believe it’s long overdue. I’ll try to keep the bad language to a minimum (sorry mom), but when I get to going….well…sometimes it’s inevitable.
I have been avoiding writing. I’ve been avoiding blogging. Literally anything that would make me face reality. I read a tweet the other day where a woman stated “I have been in such a weird space lately. It’s like I’m living my best life and worst life at the same time.” I felt that in my soul. Til this very day I couldn’t even tell you what the hell is going on or what the hell happened. I feel like I woke up one day and everyone just switched all the way up. It was to the point where I found myself thinking “who the hell are these people?” It was as if the people around me put on this facade. I ended a long relationship for my peace of mind, dropped friends for my sanity and booked a 12 day trip to California (SoCal is easily my favorite place). At one point I tried to break it all down and find some understanding, but after while I just accepted that it wasn’t for me. The people, situations. None of it. Fast forward to weeks later and I am reading/hearing things about me that aren’t true. Things that I supposedly did, said, shit that literally never happened lol (I can laugh now because I am over it, but in the moment I wanted to skull drag so many people). Eventually you find peace in knowing the important people in your life know the truth and you move on.
That wasn’t even the monster though. Imagine having two biological science degrees and not even doing what you want to do with them? Honestly, if I would have had to do a career change with just my BS in Biology I think I would have been more accepting. BUT THAT MASTERS IN MICROBIOLOGY?! Oh nah sis. I need to be in my field with all my coins. TUH. For almost a 6 months I was just like “WTF.” Either the labs were making budget cuts, cutting hours or I was genuinely unhappy. Oh and did I mention not getting into medical school? HA! Literally one thing after the other. Y’all…when I tell you I was over it.
Around September 2018 I believe is when I really was at my lowest. I had a friend who was always sharing encouraging messages, tweets, facebook post and bible verses (Shanice Lewis you are the truth girl). My family has never been super religious, I didn’t grow up in a church, didn’t attend every Sunday, etc. but I believed in God. I started reading ever so often, but it wasn’t until recently that I really understood the concept of quiet time. December 2018 is when I really started to get some clarity. My roommates probably think I’m a lunatic because I went from writing down prayers to flat out talking out loud to God. Some days I would find myself with an attitude like “Yo, there is absolutely no way you’re listening to me God. Why is this happening to me?” I was so angry. With everything and everyone. I had been crossed and tried so many times. I had individuals practically begging to be in my space, just to screw it up. Do you know how annoying that is? Picture yourself just enjoying life on your own terms and someones raggedy ass just inserting themselves in your life, knowing all they are going to bring is chaos. Whew feel myself getting triggered. *inhales deeply* Everything is better now though. I recognize that some people are only meant to be around for a season and once they serve their purpose, you have to acknowledge that and let them go. I learned that this entire time I have been praying for the life that I want, I failed to enjoy the life I have. I have so much to be grateful for right now. This “waiting” process has opened my eyes to strengths I never knew I had. It’s built patience, kindness, character and love I didn’t know existed (Y’all know I’m practically the Grinch so this is a big deal). Heck, I have a small hair business that is flourishing with legit clientele. Not just customers…clientele baby!
I typed all of this to say keep going. Even if at one point you felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. It is all a part of the process. Nothing worth having is ever easily attained. I went from wondering about my next move to 3 interviews in a week. Find beauty in the wait! When an individual shows their true colors acknowledge that and act accordingly. Cherish every moment. The good, the bad and the ugly.
“You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.” -Joshua Fields Milburn